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Mari Poisson. Iš knygos “Tikra mergaitė”

012. NEPRIKLAUSOMYBĖS DIENA ARBA DIENA, KAI   PASIKĖLIAU KAINĄ

Nėra lengva pasikelti kainą, todėl kaupiau jėgas daugiau nei mėnesį.

Iš piršto išlaužiau tam tikrą dienų skaičių ir ėmiau kalendoriuje, kurį buvau tualete prisiklijavusi ant sienos akių lygyje, braukyti tas dienas. Kasdien po vieną…

Tam reikalui ant grindų laikiau raudoną tušinuką. Braukiau ir braukiau, kol išbraukiau visas 48 ir ta data, kada numatytasis laikas išseko, atsitiko šiandien.

Šiandien.

Ne be Barbaros Streisend įtakos, žinoma, ta proga vėl pradėjau rūkyti.

Tualete laikiau senus kino žurnalus, kuriuos retkarčiais pavartydavau.

Juos beskaitinėdama visai atsitiktinai aptikau interviu su Barbara Streisend. Tai ir buvo tikrasis mano minties apie kainą įkvėpimo šaltinis.

Į klausimą, kokia buvo vaikystėje, ar stovėdavo vonios kambaryje priešais didelį veidrodį ir įsivaizduodavo, kad yra scenoje, ji atsakė: „Ne, aš rūkydavau pasislėpusi vonios kambaryje. Rūkiau nuo dešimties iki dvylikos savo gyvenimo metų. Vėliau mečiau. Buvau keistas vaikas. Viena vertus, kaip stropi mokinė dažniausiai bendravau su klasės elito atstovais, nešiojusiais oksfordus ir akinius, bet, kita vertus, norėjau tapti aktore, todėl rengiausi specifiškai, šviesinau plaukus, gana savotiškai dažiausi. Buvau maža keistuolė“.

Šiandien.

Šiandien privalėjau pasikelti kainą.

Trauktis nebebuvo kur.

Tačiau sieloje plytėjo nuožmi dykuma. Nežinojau, kaip nusiraminti… Svarsčiau visokius ėjimus. Pavyzdžiui: gal nusipirkti vyno, pasikviesti į svečius pusseserę Viką su vyru arba gal kur nors nueiti, sakysim, į kiną.

Už langų buvo eilinis ketvirtadienis, turėjau daug darbo ir kartais mane apimdavo neviltis.

Neviltis užplaukdavo bangomis. Vos tik nurimdavo viena banga, šliūkšteldavo kita. Pasibaisėtina, nes tos bangos nieko daugiau neveikė. Tik plaukė ir plaukė.

Nieko negalėjau daryti. Niekur nenorėjau eiti. Ir juo labiau nenorėjau nieko kviesti. Net pagalvoti apie tai negalėjau.

Nutraukiau visą savo rašymą.

Išjungiau kompiuterį ir telefoną.

Vėl pradėjau rūkyti.

Nors diena buvo nyki, kaip reta, nusprendžiau, kad būtinai turiu ją kaip nors atšvęsti. Juk tai neeilinė diena mano gyvenime. Bent jau taip turėjo būti.

Ir atšvenčiau.

Kaip galėjau, žinoma.

Spjoviau į Martos man teikiamas išmintingas lektūroas apie sveiką gyvenseną, ir vėl užsirūkiau.

Vėl, po keleto mėnesių pertraukos.

Stovėjau vonioje ir rūkiau.

Nemanykite, kad esu neištverminga. Ne. Tiesą pasakius, jau prieš porą savaičių pradėjau abejoti Martos sveikatingumo programos būtinumu.

Mat viena ragana (mamos terminas, kuris patiko Richardui) man išaiškino, kad rūkymas nekenkia sveikatai. Rūkyti reikia ne plaučiais, o galva.

Dabar taip ir buvo - stovėjau vonioje ir rūkiau galva.

Reikėjo juk kaip nors pažymėti šią ypatingai niekuo neįpatingą ypatingo lūžio dieną.

Simas, kaimynas iš ketvirtojo aukšto, kuris anksčiau man skolindavo dviratį, iš neturėjimo ką veikti entuziastingai dalyvavo kiemo vaikų futbolo varžybose. Mat buvo susilaužęs dešiniąją koją.

Pamaniau, kad, ko gero, Simas būtų puikus treneris.

Jis lakstė su ramentais iš vieno kiemo galo į kitą ir klaikiai švilpė švilpuku, kurį buvo pasikabinęs ant kaklo, bet šiaip jau visiškai neišleido iš dantų. Išspjaudavo jį tik tada, kai norėdavo kažką surikti futbolininkų kalba, kurios aš nemokėjau.

Erzelis buvo pasakiškas.

Užsidariau vonioje ir ėmiau leisti vandenį.

Dar kartą permečiau akimis minėtąjį interviu.

Barbaros Streisend sakė: „Jau 1992 rašėme scenarijų naujam filmui. Bet aš vis dar nebuvau juo patenkinta. Be to, studija man nenorėjo sumokėti viso honoraro. Tada pamaniau: „Apskritai neketinu to daryti. Žmonės tave labiau gerbia, kai gerbi pats save“.

Žinai, iš kur tai? „Juokingoje mergaitėje“ buvo tokia scena – kažkas sako Fani Brais: „Pareikalauk daugiau pinigų, ir tave pradės gerbti“. Taip ir buvo, tai iš tikrųjų padeda. Niekas neturi pelnytis iš to, kad man patinka šis darbas. Todėl užmečiau šį projektą net ketveriems metams“.

Vanduo tekėjo nepaprastai ilgai.

Rodėsi, niekada nebus tam galo.

Galvojau, ką tuo metu galėčiau nuveikti ir nesugalvojau nieko gudresnio kaip pasimelsti.

Atsiklaupiau ir sunėriau rankas ant vonios krašto.

Meldžiausi.

Dabar aš tikrai meldžiausi negalvodama, ką darau.

Paskui nusirengiau ir įlipau į vonią.

Taigi, kaip sakiau, nusprendžiau pasikelti kainą. Ne be Barbaros Streisend įtakos.

Paskutinis lašas buvo šie jos žodžiai: „Kartą vieno iš projektų realizuotojų dukra atėjo pasižiūrėti, kaip jos tėvas dirba su sudėtinga aparatūra. Norėjo pamatyti, ką tėvelis veikia darbe. Išgirdau, kad ji turi neblogą balsą, ir pasiteiravau, ar ji norėtų kada nors tapti aktore. Ji atsakė dar nežinanti. Tada jai pasakiau: „Nemėgink tapti aktore“. Šiai profesijai reikalinga didžiulė aistra. Čia ne pasirinkimo klausimas. Jeigu kas nors paprastai trokšta tapti aktoriumi, tai vietos pasirinkimui jau nebėra. Jis tiesiog turi tai daryti, tam tikra prasme, dėl to ir atėjo į šį pasaulį“.

Pasinėriau iki ausų ir gulėjau tol, kol atvėso vanduo.

Štai ir viskas, pagalvojau. Reikia lipti lauk.

Pasižiūrėjau į veidrodį.

Lyg ir viskas kaip visada. Jokio permainų ženklo. Apsižiūrėjau iš visų pusių. Tikrai – jokio ženklo. Įsiklausiau į savo gelmes – jokio ženklo. Jokio. Pasvarsčiau, ką tai galėtų reikšti, bet nesumaniau nieko reikšmingo.

Esu skaičiusi amžininkų atsiliepimus apie Balzako išvaizdą.

Galima sakyti, kad sutikę jį gatvėje pasistengtume aplenkti: taukuoti plaukai, iškritę priekiniai dantys, drabužiai aplipę pleiskanomis, seniausiai nelyginti…

Bet stebuklas yra tas, kad Balzakas pakerėdavo moteris vaizduotės jėga.

Jis, matyt puikiai suprato moterų prigimtį: moteriai reikia leisti išsikalbėti, pasiguosti.

Savo dėmesiu joms ir vaizduotės galia jis sužavėdavo visas moteris.

Susisupau į rankšluostį ir vėl pasižiūrėjau pro langą.

Simas tebelakstė su ramentais, muštruodamas vaikus.

Žiema buvo nenormali. Jokio sniego. Beveik kasdien lijo.

Gal reiktų kur išeiti? Tačiau vietoj to uždariau balkoną ir užtraukiau tamsias užuolaidas.

Nežinojau, ar tokią dieną padoru išeiti iš namų. Juk diena ypatinga. Šiandien aš privalau pasikelti kainą. Nevalia blaškytis.

Tiek to, niekur neisiu – iškentėsiu, pamaniau, ir įjungiau televizorių. Puikiai prisimenu, ką rodė. Bet tikrai tai buvo visai ne tai, ko man reikai.

O galėjo…

Vėl nuėjau į vonią ir dar kartą užsirūkiau įsmeigusi akis į kortelę su teze: „Dirbk kaip vyras, gyvenk kaip moteris“, priklijuota ant veidrodžio.

Siela buvo tuščia, kaip iššluota.

Nuėjau į tualetą.

Tik dabar pastebėjau, kad diena kalendoriuje parašyta raudonai. Suvokiau, kad šiandien Vasario 16.

Viešpatie, ši diena mano mažytėje tėvynėje nėra eilinė diena! Jokiu būdu! Tai - Nepriklausomybės diena.

Be to, nedarbo diena…

Tai ženklas, pagalvojau. Ženklas, kad turiu siekti asmeninės nepriklausomybės.

Užgesinau cigaretę. Diena įsiprasmino. Pradėjo smarkiai plakti širdis. Beveik galvotrūkčiais.

Nepriklausomybės diena. Koks sutapimas…

Tai kažką reiškia, pagalvojau.

Beveik tekina nubėgau ir įjungiau telefoną.

Nusprendžiau, kad paskambinsiu visiems. Richardui, Zuzanai, Marijai, Gi, Sarai ir (gal) net savo pirmajam vyrui.

Tačiau joks pokalbis neužsitęsė ilgiau minutės.

Richardas darė karjerą sostinėje ir buvo įsijautęs į kažkokio lemtingo straipsnio rašymą.

Gi su tėvu ir broliu tvirtino pylimą tarp dviejų tvenkinių savo sklype, o gal sodino savo miške medelius, nepamenu.

Sara, kaip visada, su savo draugužiu iki nukritimo dirbo senovinėje sodyboje, kurią neseniai nusipirko.

Marija jau visiškai buvo išsikrausčiusi į savo „fazendą“ už kelių šimtų kilometrų.

Zu vėl skaudėjo dantį.

Markas (grynosios idėjos pavidalu) dar tebeskrajojo neužmatomose svajonių tolybėse, o gal net visiškai neegzistavo.

Savo pirmajam vyrui jau net nebeskambinau, - pabijojau, kad skambutis į Australiją man atsieis per brangiai, net jeigu pavyktų su juo pasikalbėti.

Be to, ką jam sakyčiau…

Mistika.

Vos tik aš su triukšmais ir ašaromis iš kaimo persikrausčiau į miestą, kad būčiau toliau nuo vienatvės, bet arčiau draugų, mano draugai, kaip susitarę, išsikraustė į kaimą. Jie troško vienatvės ir ramybės.

Mistika.

Dar pavarčiau užrašų knygutę, bet skambinti daugiau nebebuvo kam.

Nuėjau į kambarį ir įjungiau kompiuterį.

Tikėjausi,- gal kas parašė kokį laiškelį.

El. paštas irgi buvo tuščias.

Turėjau kvietimą į vieno pažįstamo rašytojo knygos pristatymą. Bet tai bus rytoj. O rytoj bus rytoj.

Tuomet suėmiau save į rankas ir oficialiai paskelbiau šios dienos pabaigą.

Buvo be dvidešimt trijų šešios.

Taip tiksliai žinau todėl, kad prieš išjungdama kompiuterį, specialiai pasižiūrėjau į laikrodį.

Tą pačią akimirką suskambėjo telefonas.

Kažkokiais telepatiniais keliais mano pirmasis vyras sužinojo apie mano ketinimus ir paskambino pats.

Jis pasisveikino prancūziškai ir aš jau prieš išgirsdama jo greitakalbę supratau, kad nieko nesuprasiu.

Jis kažką greitai pasakė, bet mano apmirusi iš nuostabos sąmonė niekaip nesugebėjo perjungti kalbų kanalo.

Jėzau, galvojau, dabar jis nežinia ką pagalvos…

Ką pasakei, ką pasakei, - kažkodėl ėmiau šaukti būtent angliškai.

Jis nusijuokė ir pasakė, kad susitarė su viena leidykla, kuri mielai leis mano romaną. Aš tave finansuoju, pasakė.

Nors ir viską supratau, toliau šaukiau tą savo „Ką pasakei?“, tik dabar jau dėl kitos priežasties ir kita intonacija.

Tą, ką girdėjai, atsakė mano pirmasis vyras. Leisiu tavo rašliavą.

Mano visiškai užšalusi sąmonė nebežinojo ką daryti.

Džiaugtis?

Dėkoti?

Sakyti, kad ne?

Neprasidėti su juo?

Negrįžti ten, iš kur jau vieną sykį išėjau?..

Ar girdi mane, Mari?

Taip.

Ar sutinki?

Taip.

Ar atvažiuoti pas tave?

Taip.

Na, ar džiaugiesi?

Taip.

Tai tuomet iki…

Taip.

Padėjau ragelį ir tik tada prisiminiau, kad šiandien ypatinga diena – Nepriklausomybės diena arba Diena, kai pasikėliau kainą.

Viešpatie, pagalvojau, - buvau visai pamiršusi…

Ką dabar daryti?

Patiko (0)

Rodyk draugams

~ mari88 | 2010-02-16.

302 komentarai įrašui “Mari Poisson. Iš knygos “Tikra mergaitė””

  1. Su Nepriklausomybės Diena!:)

  2. Mistika.Šią savaitę vis galvojau, kaip paskelti kainą.

  3. Įdomi ištrauka, įdomiai perskaičiau.
    Taigi, matome, kokios įdomios moterys : visa beveik niekuo nereikšminga diena ir gaivališkas su viskuo sutikimas, kai paskambino buvusysis vyras.
    Gera ištrauka.

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