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Mari Poisson. Kaip mes lipdėme iš vaško tamsoje (Iš knygos “Tikra mergaitė”

007. KAIP MES LIPDĖME IŠ VAŠKO TAMSOJE

 

 

Rudenį ir žiemą mėgstu niekur neiti iš namų. Priklausau tai žmonių rūšiai, kuriems nereikia vasaros.

Vasarą paprastai ruošiuosi niūriajam ir drėgnajam sezonui. Svajoju apie tai, ką veiksiu užsidariusi namuose. Fantazuoju apie darbus kambariuose ir prie stalo. Planuoju, kaip žiemosiu. Iš anksto pasirūpinu, kad nepristigčiau veiklos.

Kartais, jei per daug prisiplanuoju, netgi išvažiuoju kur nors pradžioje vasaros. Kur šalčiau.

Tačiau retkarčiais juk ir žiemą tenka kur nors išeiti. Taip jau būna.

 

Praėjusią savaitę, pavyzdžiui, susitarėme su Marta, - lipdysime iš vaško tamsoje. Būtent tamsoje. Na, ne visai tamsoje, kaip vėliau paaiškėjo.

Užsidegėme septynias žvakes ir paskui dar šiaip taip uždegėme dar ir tas dvi raudonas, plonąsias. Nežinia, kodėl jos nenorėjo degti.

Tuomet išjungėme šviesą. Lašinom vašką į vandenį. Paskui lipdėm šį bei tą iš šilto vaško. Marta pasidarė puikius vaškinius karolius. Aš norėjau nulipdyti keletą figūrėlių.

Tiesa, pamiršau pasakyti, kad mes sėdėjome pas Martą, kad turėjome tikrai nemažai vaško ir kad vaizdas buvo neįtikėtinai mistiškas.

Vaškas skendėjo tamsoje, rodės, imam jį iš niekur, iš nebūties. Ant sienų plevėsavo didžiuliai mūsų rankų šešėliai ir visai be mūsų pastangų komponavo keistas  judančias figūras, tarytum kokį šešėlių teatrą.

Pagalvojau, kad, ko gero, bijočiau sėdėti prie žvakių viena. Negalėčiau. Ko bijočiau? Nežinau. Kartais bijau būti viena, nors esu save išmokiusi nebijoti nei vienatvės, nei tamsos. Bet bijau, ir tiek… Ką aš sakau?! Kartais mane apima pats tikriausias siaubas. Pradedu nežmoniškai klausytis. Visu kūnu. Rodos vaikšto kažkas, krebžda, gal net negarsiai beldžia… Gerai, kad turiu tik vieną kambarį. Apžiūrėti visus kampus - jokių problemų.

 

Martos namai labai įdomūs.

Iš savo trijų kambarių buto Marta padarė vieną didžiulį kambarį. Išgriovė visas pertvaras.

Užsidaryti jos namuose galima tik tualete. Todėl man sunku pasakyti, kur mes dabar sėdime. Ko gero - virtuvės zonoje, nes Marta pašildo vašką ir išverda arbatos ant didelės elektrinės viryklės.

Bet visiškai netoli stovi Martos lova su šviesia gėlėta lovatiese. Lovatiesės kraštas apmegztas kabliuku plačiu ažūriniu mezginiu. Lyg senovinis apatinis sijonas, kurio prašmatnus kraštas būtinai privalėjo kyšoti iš po viršutinio sijono.

Marta - tikra auksarankė. Aš daug ko iš jos išmokau. Kartais tiesiog vagiu Martos idėjas. Prisipažįstu.

 

 Pagrindinė Martos idėja yra ši: jei nori, kad koks nors daiktas atsirastų tavo namuose, -  pirmiausia padaryk tam daiktui vietą. Žavu, ar ne?

 

Nakvojau pas Martą, kaip ir buvom susitarusios.

Marta pasiklojo ant grindų ir užleido man savo lovą.

Aišku, galėjo pasikloti ir ant sofutės. Bet ši stovėjo jos didžiulio kambario priešingame gale ir atstovavo skaitymo zonai. Tai buvo gerokai per toli, o mes juk dar norėjome paplepėti prieš užmigdamos.

Šiek tiek nesmagiai jaučiausi.

Užėmiau Martos lovą.

 

Bet aš juk buvau viešnia, o Marta nemėgo su kuo nors dviese miegoti vienoje lovoje. Taigi viskas buvo pagal taisykles.

Bet aš vis tiek mintyse prisiekiau, kad niekada daugiau taip kvailai nebesusitarsiu.

Aišku, galėjau ir dabar,  užuot ėjusi į išblizgintą Martos vonią, išsikviesti taksi. Bet… nusiprausiau, apsivilkau išsiuvinėtus Martos naktinius marškinius ilgomis rankovėmis, įlipau į išpuoselėtą Martos lovą ir akimirksniu pasijutau beesanti rojuje.

 

Rytą apžiūrėjau, ką mudvi nulipdėme naktį.

Nieko įspūdingo. Visokius primityvius niekučius, kokius gali nulipdyti niekada nedirbę su vašku žmonės. Ne tik nedirbę, bet  ir neturintys labai ryškaus prigimtinio talento.

Galima buvo, žinoma, veikti ir kažką, ką mes gerai mokam. Aš pasvarsčiau, ką mes gerai mokam veikti tamsoje prie žvakių.

Yra keletas būrimo būdų, bet apie tuos dalykus nenoriu niekam net užsiminti - tuojau ims rinktis įdomybių ištroškusi publika. Galėsiu tada spręsti svetimas problemas - lyg savų neturėčiau.

Marta, tiesa, nulipdė puikius karolius. Suvėrė ant siūlo ir pakabino ant lango. Tuo tarpu mano figūrėlės dienos šviesoje prarado visą savo žavesį ir atrodė tiesiog apgailėtinos.

Kažką galima sukurti tiktai naktį. Būtent naktį. Tą kažką ir pamatyti galima tiktai naktį. Yra nakties menas. Nakties estetika. Nakties žiūrovas ir nakties vertintojas. Yra nakties publika, nakties muzika ir nakties pokalbiai. Naktis yra daug sudėtingesnė už dieną. Ji - gilesnė.

 

Vakar vakare aš jau net buvau pamiršusi, kad lipdysim. Jau buvo po aštuonių, o mes vis dar trynėmės redakcijos laiptinėje.

Lauko durys dar nebuvo užrakintos, bet laiptinėje buvo tamsu kaip pragare. Vos tik šiek tiek užsimiršdavau, pajusdavau, kad dvokia kačių ir valkatų šlapimu, pelėsiais… dar kažkuo. Norėjau kuo greičiau išsmukti į lauką. Bet sykiu ir nenorėjau. Dėl Richardo, žinoma.

 

Trypinėjome laiptinėje, pačiame viršuje, rūkėme, juokėmės ir plepėjome perrėkdami vienas kitą. Buvo visai smagu. Užmiršau net alkį.

Paskui netikėtai sutemo.

Kiek valandų, Richardai, paklausė Zu.

Jau po aštuonių.

Kažkokia nesąmonė, pasakė Zu. Kur dingsta laikas?

Mes susiruošėme eiti. Leidomės laiptais žemyn.

Maždaug pusiaukelėje Richardas  apkabino mane per pečius.

 

Kiek atsimenu, slapta seniai laukiau šio paslaptingo judesio.

Dingtelėjo mintis, kad geriau jau neisiu šiandien pas Martą, liksiu su Richardu, jei tik jis panorės. Ir dar tuo pat metu pagalvojau, kad Richardas tamsoje supainiojo mane su Zu.

Bet nusispjoviau į abejonę, dar kartą apsisprendžiau tikrai neiti pas Martą. Glustelėjau prie Richardo. Kaire ranka apkabinau jį per liemenį.

Mudu apsikabinę lipome laiptais žemyn ir tylėjome.

Zu kulniukai kaukšėjo toli priekyje. Aš dar labiau prisiglaudžiau. Richardas spūstelėjo mano petį. “Nori valgyti?”, sušnibždėjo. “Noriu”, atsakiau ir mes dar kartą spūstelėjome vienas kitą. Pagalvojau, kad Zu mūsų lauks apačioje ir ja bus sunku atsikratyti. Bet nieko nesakiau. Tik dar labiau prisiglaudžiau.

 

Anksčiau, kai koks nors vaikinas apkabindavo mane per pečius, visada jausdavausi pagerbta, stengdavausi įsiteikti, patikti.

Man visada atrodė, kad nepatinku vaikinams. Gal net niekada nepatiksiu. Mano draugė Marija yra man sakiusi, kad aš nesu seksuali. Tąsyk nieko nesakiau, bet gerai žinojau, kad aš tingiu stengtis. Nėra tokio vaikino, kuris man taip labai patiktų, būtų vertas pastangų.

 

Ar man patinka Richardas?

Nežinau.

Viena tik aišku, - man patinka, kad jis dabar apkabino mane, o ne Zu. Kad šnibždasi su manimi, o ne su Zu.

Mane apėmė pergalės svaigulys. Absoliutus pergalės džiaugsmas. Aš triumfavau. Kaip kokia paauglė. Kaip nepilnametė. Man pagaliau pavyko apversti trikampį: Zu, Richardas ir aš. Trikampis apverstas. Aš, Richardas ir Zu.

 

Zu šūkavo apačioje. Matyt, stovėdama tarpduryje, nes iš gatvės į laiptinę įšliaužė šiek tiek šviesos.

Kai mes jau buvome beveik ten, kur ir ji, Richardas nukėlė ranką nuo mano peties. Jis nenorėjo, kad Zu mudu perprastų. Man skaudžiai nudiegė širdį. Tai truko lygiai akimirką. Staiga pajutau, kaip Richardas paėmė mane už rankos. Stovėjome susikibę už rankų. Vėl pasijutau laiminga.

Svarbiausia mano gyvenime visada buvo laisvė.

Tik niekas aplinkui laisvės nevertino.

Laisvė - apie ją geriau garsiai nekalbėti, nes atrodys, kad nori dirbti sau, rūpintis savimi, gyventi sau. Vadinasi, nori būti senmerge. Vadinasi, esi nepagydoma egoistė. Be to, mano draugė Marija yra man sakiusi, kad senmergės be šarmo. Aš nenorėjau būti be šarmo. Nors… net nežinau…

Visi mano pažįstami ieškojo pas ką įsidarbinti, visos merginos norėjo ištekėti. Aš maniau, kad turiu norėti to paties. Kam nors dirbti, ką nors aptarnauti, kam nors skalbti, kam nors virti, kam nors lyginti marškinius, kam nors adyti kojines.

 

Ėmiau braižyti nykščio nagu Richardo ranką. Tikėjausi, kad jis man kaip nors atsakys. Bet jis tik stipriai laikė mano delną, galima sakyti, klaikiai spaudė. Pastebėjau, kaip kita ranka Richardas palietė Zu pirštus ant durų rankenos.

 

Laukan išėjome susikibę. Trise. Aš, Richardas ir Zu. O gal Zu, Richardas ir aš. Kurį laiką taip ir ėjome tylėdami per naktinį miestą. “Mergaitės, norite valgyti?” Aš atsakiau - ne. Zu atsakė - taip. Tai buvo siaubinga. Dabar aš tikrai nežinojau, ką man daryti. Tikrai nežinojau.

Toliau ėjome susikibę. Trise.

Turėjo būti išeitis. Išeitis turėjo būti.

Ir ta išeitis buvo.

Aš pasigavau pro šalį važiavusį taksi ir nuvažiavau pas Martą. O paskui mes lipdėme iš vaško. O paskui buvo rytas. O paskui buvo šeštadienis ir nereikėjo eiti į darbą.

 

Kokia nesąmonė buvo net ir ta mintis, kad neisiu pas Martą. Juk jau gal prieš savaitę buvau su ja susitarusi. Mudvi ketinome vakaroti, lipdyti iš vaško tamsoje ir  plepėti atsigulusios. Draugystė su ja man visada teikė įkvėpimo. Marta buvo auksarankė ir pilna gerų idėjų apie gyvenimą. Pas ją buvo jauku.

Argi visus šiuos žavingus moteriškus malonumus, būčiau taip lengvai iškeitusi į pasisėdėjimą su Richardu kokioje nors pigioje kavinėje (tiksliau, alinėje) arba jo prišnerkštame kambaryje? Pagalvojau ir apie nešvarią Richardo lovą. (Aišku, Richardas ją vadina ne nešvaria, bet viengungiška. Taip gražiau skamba.) Juokas, ir daugiau nieko.

 

 

Staiga prisiminiau, kad Zu praėjusią savaitę gyrėsi išskalbusi Richardo patalynę ir nupirkusi du naujus užvalkalus pagalvėms. Mat ji negalinti pakęsti, kad pagalvės būtų be užvalkalų.

Aš žioptelėjau, bet nieko nesakiau. Bijojau pasirodyti naivi, nes man kažkodėl neatėjo į galvą mintis nupirkti užvalkalus Richardo pagalvėms.

 

Taigi pernakvojau pas Martą ir grįžau namo.

 

Vos tik įėjau į savo butą, tuojau pat priekabiai jį apžvelgiau žmogaus, ieškančio vietos naujam daiktui, akimis.

Taip…

Mano namuose akivaizdžiai nebuvo vietos vyrui.

Tai štai kodėl aš jo ir neturiu, pagalvojau.

Pabandžiau įsivaizduoti, kur padėčiau vyrą, jei jį turėčiau. Privalau sukurti vyrui vietą savo bute. Tai neišvengiama.

Aišku, jis sėdėtų priešais televizorių.

Todėl būtinai reikėjo sukurti vyro zoną su televizoriumi.

Tai reiškia, kad tuojau pat perku televizorių, pastatau priešais jį porą fotelių ir stalelį,- peleninei, alui, laikraščiams ir maistui.

Juk nevarysiu savo vyro rūkyti į laiptinę, skaityti laikraščių į tualetą, o valgyti ir gerti alų į virtuvę. Ne. Jis turės savo zoną.

Mane gerokai trikdė mintis, kad vyras miegos mano lovoje. Stengiausi apie tai negalvoti. Tai turėtų išsispręsti savaime. Tai juk savaime suprantama, nėra čia ko dramatizuoti. Kaip nors ištversiu.

Tačiau vyras ne tik miegos mano lovoje. Jis sėdės prie mano kompiuterio, kada tik užsimanys. Prašys ką nors suvalgyti irgi kada užsimanys… Vedžiosis savo draugus, kada užsimanys… Niekada išsimaudęs neišplaus vonios ir ims bendrus pinigus, kada tik užsimanys…

Be to, man pačiai teks aptarnauti vyro zoną. Tai yra, pirkti maistą ir alų, skalbti  rūbus, kasdien gaminti pietus, duoti jam savo buto ir mašinos raktus…

Dar daugiau. Jis netgi turės teisę reikšti man pretenzijas dėl netvarkos.

 

Tačiau nusprendžiau įveikti visus sunkumus ir nepatogumus. Tai yra, sukurti savo bute vietą vyrui. Aš norėjau turėti vyrą. Keista, bet faktas.

Nupirksiu tevevizorių, pagalvojau, ir juodųjų terjerų veislės šunį, kad vyras turėtų ką kasdien veikti. Kad jaustųsi reikalingas namams.

Be to, mano vyras visada bus linksmas ir laisvas. Mat aš jam garantuosiu nepriklausomybę… Aš nebūsiu tokia, kaip kitos. Nelaikysiu vyro po padu. Vos tik jis man užsimins apie laisvę, - aš akies mirksniu suteiksiu jam nepriklausomybę.

 

Paėmiau telefoną, pasistačiau kėdę toje vietoje, kur stovės du foteliai priešais televizorių,  ir viską išdėsčiau Martai. Ketinau su ja pasikonsultuoti.

Marta ilgai juokėsi už mano pinigus. Tačiau galiausiai pripažino, kad mintis labai  originali.

Jai visai patiko vyro zonos ir lipdymo iš vaško tamsoje kombinacija.

Gal ir neblogai sugalvojai, pasakė Marta. Reikia gelbėti vyrus.

Ji neseniai buvo radusi internete svarbios informacijos apie tai, kad, kaip nustatė mokslininkai, vyrų vyriškoji chromosoma mutuoja ir jie nyksta. Po kažkiek tūkstančių milijonų metų vyrai išnyks - taip teigia mokslas, informavo mane Marta.

 

Pakėliau aukštyn smakrą ir pakračiau plaukus. Pasijutau pasaulio gelbėtoja. Tai kur kas įdomiau, negu lipdyti iš vaško. Liko tik nuspręsti, kokios veislės šunį vedžios mano vyras, pasakiau.

Pirma padaryk šuniui vietą, - nusijuokė Marta.

Ir tikrai, pagalvojau.

Patiko (0)

Rodyk draugams

~ mari88 | 2009-08-14.

218 komentarai įrašui “Mari Poisson. Kaip mes lipdėme iš vaško tamsoje (Iš knygos “Tikra mergaitė””

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